Never go back…

He was telling me today that he never wanted to go back to his mother and step dad. I had left him in the car for a second with the girls while I ran into the CVS for some maxi pads, I came out and he asked me “did you tell my sister that I was going to run away from home?” of course I said no, what a weird thing for a person to say. Then I thought about it a second and realized that I told the girls that he might have to go back to his other home. I told him  about that and explained that I had to prepare the girls so that they knew what to expect because I didn’t want them to get hurt if he did go back. He cringed at the idea of going back and told me he didn’t want to. I told him that it was very much a possibility, we didn’t want him to and would do what we could to prevent that from happening but it could happen. He looked away sadly and I told him that all it would take was to express very much and often to CPS that he doesn’t want to live with his mother and be sure to tell them why. At that time he informed me that he had already told his CASA worker and that she was supposed to express it to her lawyer who would then with her help tell the judge. I personally don’t see when he could have done that but he says it was already done. I hope so because if not I see this boys heart being broken and life going straight to hell. If this child has to live with criminals for much longer chances are he is going to end up being one as well. How do you save a child when CPS , the agency supposed to be protecting him is 100% focused on destroying him?

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The listener…

Sometimes I wish I weren’t such a good listener but that is the selfish mom in me talking. I just don’t want to always hear about the horrible things that happened to my step son. Not because I am horrible but because it hurts to hear it but I am a good listener and he needs to get it out. He told me that his step father used a paddle when he was spanked that he carved himself. He said he was planning on putting holes in it but never got around to it because he broke it on him. I asked him why he didn’t tell the police this and he said “I told them I was spanked but not about the paddle because I didn’t want him to get in trouble”. But I say SPEAK BOY!  I wish I could scream at him to speak up. He says he never wants to leave us again but in order to insure his safety here he has to tell his life to people other than me. Nobody listens to me! But then again, maybe that is why it is me he tells.  Today he told me that his step father got really drunk once and told him he killed another man, put a bullet right in his head and buried him with the gun in an old cemetery out in the middle of nowhere.  I don’t know if the man really killed someone or only told the kid that to scare the shit out of him.  Either way it still disturbs the hell out of me and I would not doubt if it were in fact true. He is a bully, meth addict and a violent alcoholic, anything is possible when you consider that. I am starting to think I need to record our conversations because who the hell COULD believe half of what this child tells me? He also told me that the fight which lead to him being here, the fist fight his mother and step dad had was instigated by his mother. He said he was in his room and heard a slap, he then walked out of his room and saw his mom beating his step dad with a board all the way out the door in the back. What kind of scum beats a man in the back as he is trying to leave? Because that is what the boy said, that his step dad was trying to leave and his mother just kept beating him. Eh, who knows! I don’t know how human beings can live their lives with so much damn drama.

Hurt…

I have been sitting here in my husbands absence thinking about the smiles on my daughters faces since their brother has been home and suddenly it REALLY sank in as to how very hurt they would be if CPS made the horrible mistake of giving him back to the evil that is his mother and step father. They preach “reunification” ignoring the fact that we ARE his family and that WE have never sacrificed him to drugs. They don’t consider the other children in this family, the emotional scars that it will leave on them to see their brother once again ripped away from their lives.  They are older now so the separation and pain will be even greater. I just don’t understand the sorry state of CPS that they would even consider giving him back to someone he himself has accused of sexual and physical abuse and who has been drugged up half of his existence.

The other day he told me that he was forced to sleep in the living room on a couch that was pushed in front of the front door because it had no working lock. He had a room but it was given away to some lady they moved into the house. He said the house was always filthy, they had rats and LOADS of cockroaches then proceeded to tell me about waking up every morning with roaches on him, on at least one occasion waking up with a rat staring at him. During the same conversation he told me how his “daddy” would make him bend over with his knees and feet together for spankings, if he flinched or made a noise he got an extra 6 licks.  His step father is such a sorry human being, he drinks like a fish and is a meth head with more DWI’s than body hairs. This same man would beat the hell out of him if this child called his REAL father IE: My husband “daddy” telling him that he was going to “beat the (family name here) out of him, that he was to call him “step daddy”. All I could do was apologize when he told me.  I then proceeded to tell him how much his “REAL” daddy loved him and told him about how happy he was the day he was born in the hospital. At that time I was informed that his step dad told him that it was him who was there the day he was born. He even tried to steal that from my husband!  I set him straight though, showed him pictures to prove it. His mother didn’t even know that horrible human being back then!  I am not ashamed to say that I HATE THEM! I hate them for how they have hurt that little boy, hate them for the pain they cause my family and I hate them for the pain they cause my daughters. It is people like them that make me doubt the existence of God because I am not sure how anyone who loves his children would ever let evil like that be born onto the earth.

I wish there was a real person I could talk to about all of this stuff. A real person who I could completely unleash on without judgement but there isn’t. I cannot tell my husband, I can’t say anything negative to my step son. He tells me so much and i makes me feel like a prisoner of war bound to information.  Not that my information is valuable because as CPS told me , everything out of my mouth that he tells me is here say.  After all, I am just the wicked step mom!

Mommy and Daddy

I think of all the effort and hard work that goes into earning the words “Mommy and Daddy” and then I think about my step son and how he calls his step dad “Daddy” and his mom “mommy” and realize that you don’t REALLY need all that work. The words come so easily to ALL children yet the meaning of the words don’t always come as easy to the people they are spoken to.  I wish God had put a stipulation “Caution, abide by all laws and rules,  these words can be revoked at any time”. They don’t deserve those words! My husband shouldn’t have to be in competition for the title “daddy” with a child abusing meth addict who beat him for calling his biological father “daddy”. I say, REVOKE THEIR LICENSE because they sure as hell are not obeying the traffic laws!

The truth…..

So my son came to me asking all kinds of questions this evening and I did my best to answer them without saying anything bad or negative about step dad and mom. It was hard because at times I wanted to shout at him how much I hate them for being the horrible human beings they are for hurting him but I remained neutral. During the course of this conversation he said to me “My mom and dad told me that you and daddy made me eat my own vomit, that you gave me some drink, I threw up and you made me eat it, is that true?” I was a bit taken aback by the question as I never expected him to just outright ask about it. Also because of the fact that he SAID that THEY TOLD HIM and that they seem to have looped myself AND his father in the mix of evil deeds. Casa had told me that he said it was ME who was accused of such a horrific and unimaginable thing. I understand that he didn’t want to get his dad in trouble but it still shocked me. Of course I told him no that it was NOT true and told him how absolutely horrible something like that would have been. After which I asked him if he remembered that I tucked him in every single night after saying “dear Gods” with a bed time story. He said he didn’t remember anything about the time that he lived with us accept what his favorite cartoons were and what his bedroom furniture looked like. He also said that the last thing he remembers about that time was waking up not knowing where he was. He said one day he went to sleep and when he woke up his mom and “dad” were there, only he wasn’t sure who they were until they said they were mom and dad. He said he knew that his step dad was not his real dad but couldn’t really remember what his real dad looked like. It makes me wonder what happened, did this little boy have a nervous break down or did they somehow manage to brainwash us out of him like they tried to brainwash horrible things about us into him?