Never go back…

He was telling me today that he never wanted to go back to his mother and step dad. I had left him in the car for a second with the girls while I ran into the CVS for some maxi pads, I came out and he asked me “did you tell my sister that I was going to run away from home?” of course I said no, what a weird thing for a person to say. Then I thought about it a second and realized that I told the girls that he might have to go back to his other home. I told him  about that and explained that I had to prepare the girls so that they knew what to expect because I didn’t want them to get hurt if he did go back. He cringed at the idea of going back and told me he didn’t want to. I told him that it was very much a possibility, we didn’t want him to and would do what we could to prevent that from happening but it could happen. He looked away sadly and I told him that all it would take was to express very much and often to CPS that he doesn’t want to live with his mother and be sure to tell them why. At that time he informed me that he had already told his CASA worker and that she was supposed to express it to her lawyer who would then with her help tell the judge. I personally don’t see when he could have done that but he says it was already done. I hope so because if not I see this boys heart being broken and life going straight to hell. If this child has to live with criminals for much longer chances are he is going to end up being one as well. How do you save a child when CPS , the agency supposed to be protecting him is 100% focused on destroying him?


The listener…

Sometimes I wish I weren’t such a good listener but that is the selfish mom in me talking. I just don’t want to always hear about the horrible things that happened to my step son. Not because I am horrible but because it hurts to hear it but I am a good listener and he needs to get it out. He told me that his step father used a paddle when he was spanked that he carved himself. He said he was planning on putting holes in it but never got around to it because he broke it on him. I asked him why he didn’t tell the police this and he said “I told them I was spanked but not about the paddle because I didn’t want him to get in trouble”. But I say SPEAK BOY!  I wish I could scream at him to speak up. He says he never wants to leave us again but in order to insure his safety here he has to tell his life to people other than me. Nobody listens to me! But then again, maybe that is why it is me he tells.  Today he told me that his step father got really drunk once and told him he killed another man, put a bullet right in his head and buried him with the gun in an old cemetery out in the middle of nowhere.  I don’t know if the man really killed someone or only told the kid that to scare the shit out of him.  Either way it still disturbs the hell out of me and I would not doubt if it were in fact true. He is a bully, meth addict and a violent alcoholic, anything is possible when you consider that. I am starting to think I need to record our conversations because who the hell COULD believe half of what this child tells me? He also told me that the fight which lead to him being here, the fist fight his mother and step dad had was instigated by his mother. He said he was in his room and heard a slap, he then walked out of his room and saw his mom beating his step dad with a board all the way out the door in the back. What kind of scum beats a man in the back as he is trying to leave? Because that is what the boy said, that his step dad was trying to leave and his mother just kept beating him. Eh, who knows! I don’t know how human beings can live their lives with so much damn drama.


I have been sitting here in my husbands absence thinking about the smiles on my daughters faces since their brother has been home and suddenly it REALLY sank in as to how very hurt they would be if CPS made the horrible mistake of giving him back to the evil that is his mother and step father. They preach “reunification” ignoring the fact that we ARE his family and that WE have never sacrificed him to drugs. They don’t consider the other children in this family, the emotional scars that it will leave on them to see their brother once again ripped away from their lives.  They are older now so the separation and pain will be even greater. I just don’t understand the sorry state of CPS that they would even consider giving him back to someone he himself has accused of sexual and physical abuse and who has been drugged up half of his existence.

The other day he told me that he was forced to sleep in the living room on a couch that was pushed in front of the front door because it had no working lock. He had a room but it was given away to some lady they moved into the house. He said the house was always filthy, they had rats and LOADS of cockroaches then proceeded to tell me about waking up every morning with roaches on him, on at least one occasion waking up with a rat staring at him. During the same conversation he told me how his “daddy” would make him bend over with his knees and feet together for spankings, if he flinched or made a noise he got an extra 6 licks.  His step father is such a sorry human being, he drinks like a fish and is a meth head with more DWI’s than body hairs. This same man would beat the hell out of him if this child called his REAL father IE: My husband “daddy” telling him that he was going to “beat the (family name here) out of him, that he was to call him “step daddy”. All I could do was apologize when he told me.  I then proceeded to tell him how much his “REAL” daddy loved him and told him about how happy he was the day he was born in the hospital. At that time I was informed that his step dad told him that it was him who was there the day he was born. He even tried to steal that from my husband!  I set him straight though, showed him pictures to prove it. His mother didn’t even know that horrible human being back then!  I am not ashamed to say that I HATE THEM! I hate them for how they have hurt that little boy, hate them for the pain they cause my family and I hate them for the pain they cause my daughters. It is people like them that make me doubt the existence of God because I am not sure how anyone who loves his children would ever let evil like that be born onto the earth.

I wish there was a real person I could talk to about all of this stuff. A real person who I could completely unleash on without judgement but there isn’t. I cannot tell my husband, I can’t say anything negative to my step son. He tells me so much and i makes me feel like a prisoner of war bound to information.  Not that my information is valuable because as CPS told me , everything out of my mouth that he tells me is here say.  After all, I am just the wicked step mom!

Mommy and Daddy

I think of all the effort and hard work that goes into earning the words “Mommy and Daddy” and then I think about my step son and how he calls his step dad “Daddy” and his mom “mommy” and realize that you don’t REALLY need all that work. The words come so easily to ALL children yet the meaning of the words don’t always come as easy to the people they are spoken to.  I wish God had put a stipulation “Caution, abide by all laws and rules,  these words can be revoked at any time”. They don’t deserve those words! My husband shouldn’t have to be in competition for the title “daddy” with a child abusing meth addict who beat him for calling his biological father “daddy”. I say, REVOKE THEIR LICENSE because they sure as hell are not obeying the traffic laws!

The truth…..

So my son came to me asking all kinds of questions this evening and I did my best to answer them without saying anything bad or negative about step dad and mom. It was hard because at times I wanted to shout at him how much I hate them for being the horrible human beings they are for hurting him but I remained neutral. During the course of this conversation he said to me “My mom and dad told me that you and daddy made me eat my own vomit, that you gave me some drink, I threw up and you made me eat it, is that true?” I was a bit taken aback by the question as I never expected him to just outright ask about it. Also because of the fact that he SAID that THEY TOLD HIM and that they seem to have looped myself AND his father in the mix of evil deeds. Casa had told me that he said it was ME who was accused of such a horrific and unimaginable thing. I understand that he didn’t want to get his dad in trouble but it still shocked me. Of course I told him no that it was NOT true and told him how absolutely horrible something like that would have been. After which I asked him if he remembered that I tucked him in every single night after saying “dear Gods” with a bed time story. He said he didn’t remember anything about the time that he lived with us accept what his favorite cartoons were and what his bedroom furniture looked like. He also said that the last thing he remembers about that time was waking up not knowing where he was. He said one day he went to sleep and when he woke up his mom and “dad” were there, only he wasn’t sure who they were until they said they were mom and dad. He said he knew that his step dad was not his real dad but couldn’t really remember what his real dad looked like. It makes me wonder what happened, did this little boy have a nervous break down or did they somehow manage to brainwash us out of him like they tried to brainwash horrible things about us into him?

Something you never want to hear…

We were stuck behind a truck coming home from a play date today. The truck was filled to the sams with all kinds of poorly strapped crap. When I mentioned how packed it was my step son (have I told you he is only 10?) says to me “You should see my dads truck when it’s full of scrap metal! it’s way more packed than that!” I said “Oh, is that what he does for a living, delivers scrap metal?” He said “No, he just goes gets some to sell when he is really wanting his drugs and stuff.” I asked him after recovering from shock; “What’s stuff?” He says “oh you know, ciggarettes, beer and sometimes weed, he likes weed but he likes drugs more.” All I could say was “I am sorry” then I had no more words left in me. After a few moments of silence he says “I am glad my real dad doesn’t drink or do drugs because it kills you when you use it and it kills you when you don’t”.

Seriously? What do you say to a child who is confiding in you about something so unbelievable that you KNOW is true? I cannot believe CPS is even remotely considering reunification!


Took him to church today and despite the fact that he was uncomfortable I believe he had a great time. It gave him a chance to meet some people, young men in particular so that he could better get settled. On the way home he turned to me and asked if he could tell me something in confidence. I had to tell him that if it affected him I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t tell someone. He told me anyway, he told me that all the time the court had ordered that his bio mom and step dad could have ZERO visitation he was being taken to see her anyway by his “fake grandparents” with whom custody was placed while we waited to bring him home. He also told me how much his mom and step dad hated us. His step dad seems to be very very petty and jealous of my husband, which he should be because unlike him my husband is a good man.

Of course I could not keep it a secret, I told his casa caseworker who laid it out that she has suspected as much. he also told me something very interesting…. She said that his mother and step dad had told her that “I” at some point in time during the course of his living with us made my step son some kind of drink which forced him to throw up. When he threw up the drink I then made him lick it up. Also something about me making him tell his dad that he didn’t love him so that his dad would kick him out of the house.  She went to confirm it with Griffin, not asking him outright but asking if there was anything that scared him about coming here. At first he said no, that he was very excited to come here then after a little pressing he said “yes” and pretty much verified what his drug addict mother and step dad said.

Of course both of those things are ridiculous on so many levels that it is beyond comprehension. It scared me to death that there is a child in this house who could have been manipulated into believing something so horrible and outlandish about me. That little boy loved me so much back then and is already calling me “mom” again without a single prompting. We have spent time alone, his idea and have been having a wonderful time so far. In the end I believe this woman saw it for what it was, insane manipulation over an innocent child. I always knew his mother was jealous of the relationship I had with my step son but I never realized she hated me to the point of forcing him to hurt me which of course in return hurt him. How could anyone believe that? ANYONE?!!!

I think my drama free life is no longer drama free!


We officially have him now after years of not knowing where he was.  He came home a little nervous but ready to be here with us. My husband told me that on the way here he told him that he never wanted to go back to that area again and that if he could he would stay here with us at least 10 years. I am so terrified of letting him down again. CPS is still opting for “family reunification”. That term makes me so angry because WE are his family and WE have never hurt him so shouldn’t they be working at reunifying him with us and not the people who have “officially” hurt him 11 times and Heaven knows how many more? WE ARE HIS FAMILY! They are not a family and I am so sick and tired of CPS using the term family so loosely. It takes a hell of a lot more than pushing a child out to be a family. Get your shit together CPS, reunify this child with his real family and leave him here where he wants to be!!

We are on a journey into the unknown on so many levels. We don’t know how he will adapt to not living in a falling apart drug den full of beer cans and dump cars. We don’t know if he will make friends. We don’t know if they will show up and snatch him. We don’t know if CPS will send him back. And we don’t know how much our daughters will hurt when they loose him. I am so tired of CPS bullshit, so tired if them never doing what is REALLY in the best interest of the child. CPS is an joke and the state of TX is a joke!

Dear Diary

3 years ago my step son was ripped from my and his fathers arms after living with us 18 months by evil beings disguised as step dad and bio mom. After 8 cases of abuse reported to CPS in my then 5 year old sons short life he was once again being sent back to the woman the “system” once again deemed “fit for motherhood”. Mom and now fake step dad were winners in the game of beat and repeat because we weren’t willing to play along. How anyone could get away with drug use, prostitution, blatant neglect and SEXUAL/Physical abuse is beyond me. How a woman could be accused by her own child of touching and violating him to his very core eventually sending him home to us with a hickey the size of a quarter could be awarded custody is beyond me.

My husband is a vary hard working man, he provides a wonderful home, food for our bellies, doesn’t do drugs and doesn’t drink. The latter also applying to myself. His mother has never a provided her own home for him a day in his life, has abused him since only a month or two old and at the time he was returned lived in a home not fit for human living as per CPS. But still, she remained the winner with a license to destroy an innocent life forever. And once she got him back, SHE got him back. Because he vanished from our lives until the day CPS called us once again to tell us he had been removed from his home after his mother and step dad was arrested on multiple drug charges.

After years of not knowing where he was however we were not allowed to take him. CPS punished us even though they are as responsible for robbing him of a good life as his mother was. A life where he smiled daily, a life where the horrible nightmares where he woke screaming, covered in sweat after wetting the bed were beginning to stop. A life where he had a “mother” who he loved and adored who tucked him in bed at night, sang to him,  read him bed time stories and loved him like she were his own resided. A life with his real father who would have jumped in front of a bus to protect him at any time. A life where he had a sister who loved him like he was the greatest thing in the world. CPS tried to make it so he would never be happy again but we fought them and was eventually after 3 months able to bring him back home again.

He is now happy, but it is a long road. A rocky , bumpy journey into the unknown with a child who is so badly damaged he is near beyond repair but we will work until the bitter end to fix what they broke. He is angry, his eyes dull, doesn’t cry, doesn’t seem to feel but he knows that his place is not with the people who always hurt him but with the people he is likely to be ripped from again.

This is my journey as the wicked stepmother CPS and everyone in general seems to deem me as simply because I am willing to fight for a child who is not my own.